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Running for cover from the cyclists!

I ’VE had two near misses with cyclists. Once, when I was learning to drive, I passed so close to one that I made him wobble and shout profanities.

The Bolton News: D Cooke Running for cover from the cyclists!

Another time, I was turning left and hadn’t seen one on my inside and knocked him off his bike. He questioned my ability to drive in an aggressive manner. I questioned his visual competence as he clearly hadn’t seen me indicating.

Cyclists irritate me – the way they jump lights, try and beat you in traffic jams, ride two abreast, cycle on pavements and swear at you when you knock them off their bikes. But even more irritating is their arrogance. Watch out world, there’s a cyclist with neon go-faster stripes in our midst and he owns the road, OK?

Then there’s the visual assault of middle-aged, pot-bellied men in Lycra and baboon-bottom chamois gussets – a fashion crime against nature.

Now, I enjoy walking for miles along a disused railway track close to where I live. Throughout the winter months on that walk, I have encountered the odd horse rider and dog walker.

But last weekend, the sun came out and that track, which hadn’t seen a cyclist all winter, suddenly resembled a velodrome.

Battalions of smiley, middle-class Lycra-clad families – why would you do that to a child in baking heat? – hogged the entire walkway even though there were two lanes – one for walkers, the other for cyclists and horseriders.

Even worse they rang their bike bells warning you to stand aside because obviously they couldn’t be expected to dismount while dogwalkers rounded up their animals so they could pass.

To be fair, most shouted a cheery thank you. But by the 20th time of jumping on and off the track in a hokey-cokey-style frenzy – yes, I actually started counting – I could feel my inner strop surfacing.

The final insult was when a fat-bottomed Hyacinth Bucket-type, who clearly didn’t do that much cycling, rang her bell threateningly at me, not once, but three times. The dog shot off in a wild-eyed panic, dropping a large stick and blocking the walkway. Bikezilla stormed through, swerving to avoid the stick, as if competing in the Tour de Britain. As she raced past, she shot me a glare as she hit a puddle at speed and showered me and the dog in mud.

And, I’m really not proud to admit it, but I shouted: “Yes, your a... does look big in that!”


Comments (12)

19/03/14

Romantical says...

Its not about what should have been, but what IS that matters. Cyclists swearing at you when you knock them off their bikes is very funny and made me laugh like a pedestrian.

19/03/14

Romantical says...

It all began with shoes. People with shoes could go faster to places than people without shoes. Then someone discovered a bike and people with a bike could go faster to places than people with shoes and going faster to places than shoes could take you to places caught on.

Then someone discovered a motor and put it on a bike and the motorbike caught on. People with motorbikes could go even faster to places than people with a bike and they could take a passenger to places without any extra effort which meant that going faster to places with a passenger caught on.

Then a car came along and that meant people could go to even more places with even more passengers involved. Then came trains and then came jets and it all meant that people could go even faster to places and could take more and more people, to more and more places.

19/03/14

Romantical says...

After a while, with all the focus being put on people going faster and faster to places they forget, understandably, were it is they are meant to be and even who it is, they are meant to be there with.

19/03/14

Romantical says...

I'm proud to be a pedestrian. I might have a lycra free wardrobe but I can still make a very neat french looking cling film dress, with matching blindfold and leg-cuffs.

19/03/14

vicn1956 says...

Bradley Wiggins has a lot to answer for.

20/03/14

Romantical says...

If I make the BIGGEST and most unfixable mistake a man could ever make and expect a prize for it - what does that make me ?

20/03/14

Romantical says...

..... what sort of man makes a matching blindfold in cling film ?

23/03/14

StacyM says...

Hang on - the first near miss you had was your own fault because you got far too close and made the cyclist wobble. The second one was also your fault because you didn't check your mirrors or blind spot properly and knocked him off his bike.

I'm not surprised you've not seen the better side of cyclists if that's how you drive!

23/03/14

Romantical says...

I might drive like a fool and I probably am a fool. I was a fool. There are no excuses for me any more than there are for women drivers.

If I had to fill out an insurance form I would argue that I was dazzled by the cyclists brilliance and couldn't believe my luck at bumping into such an intelligent cyclist on either the first or the second occasion and that while still under the influence of such timeless enchantment and that being made unable to think of anyone else but the sultry cyclist since that first life-changing collison when I knocked her over in my BMW. I would also add that I no longer drive anything and would like the kitchen sink incident to also be taken into account.

23/03/14

Romantical says...

If you had been wearing a cling film blindfold at the time, I could have looked at it through your beautiful eyes.

23/03/14

Romantical says...

Hostage-taker!

24/03/14

Romantical says...

I would rather give you away, than do anything to spoil your happiness.

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