PHIL Buckley has created his entire stand-up show around the concept of being terrible with women.
He's so bad, in fact, that he once asked a girl to "stroke the panda" when drunk, believing this would charm her.
"I have absolutely no idea why," he says. "Even to this day I couldn't tell you why that suddenly popped into my head."
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It did, however, provide the Bury comedian with a good title for his show, which visits The Lowry, in Salford, next Thursday, April 24.
And there's hope for even the most useless Lothario as since the show Phil has actually managed to get himself a girlfriend - she's real, and she's called Kay.
But what chat up line finally worked for Phil?
"He didn't really have one - we've known each other for years and years!" says Kay. "So it does help that you need a chat up line. He wrote the show before we were together and it was all true - then I came along and ruined it..."
Funny that after trying speed dating, lonely hearts columns and blind dates, Phil discovered that his perfect woman was right under his nose...
He has also started thinking about his Edinburgh show for this year, although he's avoiding sitting down to write until this run of shows is over, "or I'll get half way and get completely confused."
He does however have the basic idea worked out.
"It's called Laughable and it's about what it takes to have a truly dreadful idea. Everyone has bad ideas but what does it take to have a truly appalling idea? It looks into what are bad ideas, which is a good way to put loads of stories about how I'm an idiot. It's a running theme of my life - I'm an idiot, I write about being an idiot."
But what if he should ever hit the big time?
"Then the show would be I Can't Believe They'll Pay An Idiot To Do This.'"
Phil Buckley: Stroke The Panda is at The Lowry Studio Theatre on April 24. Tickets cost £10. To book, visit www.thelowry.com or ring 0870 787 5780.
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