A very Hardy lesson for the good Lord Nelson
12:53pm Thursday 20th December 2007
This week I bring you some seasonal cheer with a light hearted look from the internet at how Admiral Lord Nelson might fare in the politically correct and health and safety obsessed world . . .
NELSON: Order the signal, Hardy.
HARDY: Aye, aye sir.
N: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?
H: Sorry sir?
N(reading aloud): England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?
H: Admiralty policy, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting England past the censors, lest it be considered racist.
N: Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
H: Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
N: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.
H: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Governments' policy on binge drinking.
N: Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it . . . full speed ahead.
H: I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed limit in this stretch of water.
N: Stop this man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please.
H: That won't be possible, sir. Health and safety have closed the crow's nest. No harness. And the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
N: Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.
H: He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral.
N: Wheelchair access?
H: Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.
N: Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.
H: Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
N: Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.
H: A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?
N: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
H: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
N: What? This is mutiny.
H: It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
N: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
H: Actually, sir, we're not. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
N: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
H: I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary.
N: You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.
H: Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it could save your life.
N: Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?
H: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment.
N: What about sodomy?
H: I believe that is now legal, sir.