NEIL BONNAR: If Jose Mourinho ever loses his Chelsea dressing room he might find it behind the bus
11:00pm Thursday 1st May 2014 in Sport
IF an alien landed I wonder what he/she/it would make of football.
Unless they had a decent understanding of football speak they could go back to planet Zog with a weird view of the game.
For instance, what would they have made of Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers’ description of Chelsea’s tactics last weekend?
They could well have reported to the Zog Emperor that Jose Mourinho drove a bus onto the Anfield pitch and left it in front of the Chelsea goal then did the same with another bus.
Why else would Rodgers have said Mourinho “parked two buses” in front of the Chelsea goal?
As you can see, football on Planet Zog would be rather different to ours.
The problem for Alien Man is that football is spoken about almost exclusively in metaphors.
As the game evolved on Zog wingers would be seen lying down rubbing their cheeks lovingly against the white pitch perimeter line.
Why? Because wingers hug the touchline, usually before they ‘cut’ inside and ‘unleash’ a shot.
Every position and aspect of the game has its own unique metaphorical language that would sound crazy if you took it literally.
Energetic midfielders cover every blade of grass, big defenders are old style and strikers often have a goal in them.
Really? Every blade? ‘Old’ is a style? Strikers actually have a goal inside their bodies?
And what are these good feet some big men have? And why don’t the other big men ever have bad feet? Zog strikers can be seen checking their feet and looking inside their bodies for a goal.
Railways play a big part in promotion campaigns, whether it’s derailing them or getting them back on track.
And describing the speed of a player is an interesting one. They are never slow or fast, that’s too easy to understand.
Instead, they own speed, either having genuine or deceptive pace. If there’s genuine pace why isn’t there fake pace? And how can you have deceptive pace?
My own personal favourite is when the manager loses the dressing room.
I picture him standing in a field looking around bemused thinking: “It was here yesterday.”
And what is a good man to have in a dressing room? Is there really a self-destruct button, a relegation trapdoor, forgotten men, a stonewall penalty, a nailed-on yellow card or a Premier League promised land?
Are there Giggses, Toures and Rooneys of this world?
Can teams really be ‘in and around us’? Around us, yes... but in us?
Can players really hang in the air? No they can’t, that’s called flying. I’m sorry to dispel the myth that Manchester United legend Denis Law could actually perform this gravity-defying act, but he could jump high, he couldn’t fly.