FIRST a serious message: If anyone knows the whereabouts of Lionel Messi, can someone please tell James Milner?

The Manchester City midfielder has been walking round Camp Nou aimlessly for the last few days clutching a picture of the Argentine ace, and his family are starting to get worried.

Milner got nutmegged so badly in Wednesday night’s Champions League clash, rumour has it he was treated for post traumatic stress disorder.

Joe Hart was head and shoulders above his team-mates – but I think his performance has been over-rated. He relied on his woodwork more than Noah.

It wasn’t all bad news for City fans. Before the game Sergio Aguero said he’d stay at the club until they won the Champions League. What use they’ll have for a 95-year-old striker I don’t know, but it was a nice sentiment.

I haven’t had a chance to think up a decent Arsenal exiting the Champions League in the last 16 joke. But then there’s always next year.

As for Everton, well let’s just say Dynamo Kiev had no difficult escaping from Alcaraz.

The Blues defender was rancid in their 5-2 defeat in Russia.

Jay-Z said he had 99 problems. I reckon you could stick another zero on that if he had the Paraguayan playing in his back four.

Talking about knockouts, Wayne Rooney went down faster than Madonna at the Brits when he sparred with Salford’s finest Phil Bardsley.

He laughed it off, mocking his KO in a goal celebration last weekend. So long as that’s the only Wayne Rooney joke he pays homage to on the pitch.

Need a politician? Better Call Sol.

Rumours have swept round the internet this week that ex-Spurs, Arsenal and England defender Sol Campbell is poised to move into politics as an MP.

Hasn’t he spent enough time representing his country whilst sat on a bench?

Fans left in their thousands before the end of Sunderland’s 4-0 home defeat to Aston Villa, leading to the sacking of manager Gus Poyet. But I ask you this – is it really his fault they can’t tell the time?

The Black Cats appointed Dick Advocaat as their new manager. Personally I don’t think he’s got a snowball’s chance of saving them from relegation.

Finally, strongman Eddie Hall from Stoke on Trent broke a world record this week by lifting an incredible 462kg – which is a shade more than 100 FA cup trophies.

None other than Arnold Schwarznegger was there to celebrate with him after the incredible feat. John Terry missed it after some car trouble.