CRISTIANO Ronaldo scored five goals for Real Madrid as they thrashed struggling Granada 9-1 in La Liga last weekend.

Apparently Granada’s back four included Lucy Meacock, Bob Greaves, Elton Welsby and Rob McCaffrey.

The ex-Manchester United man looks like he will score more goals than anyone else in Europe this season. But I’ll never understand why they give him a balloon and a door?

Mario Balotelli missed Liverpool’s FA Cup quarter final victory over Blackburn Rovers through illness and was branded as “pathetic” by pundit Robbie Savage.

The Italian striker posted a photo the next day of him holding a thermometer – which looked suspiciously like a pregnancy test – that seemed to confirm he was under the weather.

Having been lukewarm all season, Brendan Rodgers must be delighted his striker is finally warming up.

So it turns out renowned urban artist Banksy is a Sunderland fan. It figures, they both draw a lot.

Manuel Pellegrini says Manchester City will be investing in a “big player” this summer, who is preferably English. Peter Crouch and Andy Carroll are on standby.

Sean St Ledger gave hope to jobbing centre-halves all over the country when it was reported he is now dating US music star Taylor Swift.

Since a summer switch to Orlando SC in the States, the Irish defender not only plays alongside Brazilian great Kaka, it appears he is now the main squeeze of a musician with a reported net worth of $200million.

I can only assume she has never seen Middlesbrough’s DVD review from the 2009-10 season.

England’s Under-19s women’s team replayed the final 19 seconds of their crucial Euro qualifier against Norway after a refereeing blunder.

Apparently official Marija Kurtes wrongly gave a free kick for encroachment on a 96th minute penalty, which was successfully scored by England’s Leah Williamson.

UEFA have stepped in – and the two teams have to take the penalty again in Belfast at exactly the same time of night, 9.45pm.

Far be it from me to gender stereotype – but I just couldn’t see the men’s team winning that argument.

Mark Hughes has announced plans to make Stoke City’s pitch wider to suit their new passing style. I just want to know if someone has told Rory Delap?

Carlisle United boss Keith Curle has suggested he might bring 50 fans to training so his under-performing players can explain their results. He just has to find them first.

Meanwhile the world’s oldest professional footballer Kazuyoshi Miura, 48, scored for his club Yokohama FC last weekend and celebrated with a dance.

I haven’t seen the YouTube clip yet but I bet it’s in black and white