STUDENTS the land over were in mourning this week when it emerged Andy Townsend was parting company at the end of the season.

Clive Tyldesley’s long-time co-commentator had been immortalised in a string of drinking games, with a shot downed each time he uttered one of his many, many, many clichéd football phrases.

But what next for the ex-Chelsea and Republic of Ireland star? Here are a couple of the career choices I’d like to see him try.

Paramedic: “For me that’s a heart attack, Clive.”

Brain surgeon: “He’s given the doctor an incision to make, Clive.”

Traffic warden: “For me, that’s a penalty, Clive.”

Optician: “He’ll be disappointed when he sees that again, Clive.”

And finally, psychiatrist: “What was he thinking, Clive?”

Elsewhere in the world of football, poor old Yaya Toure has revealed he has to hide from his female fans and change his phone number regularly.

He needn’t bother – just borrow the shirt Jimmy Bullard wore on Match of the Day last weekend and women will run miles.

Steven Gerrard will join LA Galaxy at the end of the season. I know, it was all rather hush-hush, wasn’t it?

His exit at Anfield was treated like the abdication of a monarch in the national press, but I loved the line where he said he’s joining LA Galaxy to win trophies.

In fairness, he did have a spot on the mantelpiece picked out for a Premier League title last April until he bought those Teflon boots.

Tottenham and Arsenal have become the first clubs to ban Selfie Sticks, citing health and safety reasons for not allowing supporters to bring them to Premier League matches.

Spot on. The next fan who uses one near me better hope there’s a St John’s Ambulance member at hand.

Andy Carroll is in the wars again, this week tweeting a picture of his bloodied finger after attempting to make lunch.

So it’s not just his goal-scoring tally in single digits, then.

Line dancing met football this week in Italy as Sampdoria put nine players in a row along the half way line at kick off in a game against Lazio.

Either that or it was the world’s most convoluted offside trap and one man didn’t get the memo.

Arsenal keeper Wojciech Szczesny was fined £20,000 for smoking in the shower at the Emirates Stadium. Or alternatively, Wojciech Szczesny was fined £20,000 for Szcztealing a Szczmoke at the Emirates Szcztadium.

As if things can’t get any worse at Glasgow Rangers, it has now emerged Penfold-lookalike and ex-Fulham manager Felix Magath has bought a one per cent stake at Ibrox. Crikey!

Finally in a column which is looking wearier than an Oldham Athletic press officer, Michael Owen continues to carve out a career for himself as a co-commentator, making the aforementioned Townsend sound like Aristotle in comparison.

As one very funny bloke said this week – Owen is to TV commentary what Anthony Worral-Thompson is to twerking.