Are you looking forward to Valentine's Day? Hahahaha. If anyone single is reading, unhand that Swan Vesta. I'm kidding. I realise that, to you, this is like saying: "Are you looking forward to the Apocalypse, I hear it's going to be lovely and warm."

So, today this column is going out to anyone who's single. I'm not going to tell you Valentine's Day is just a load of commercial old tosh, because that's the kind of thing smug people in couples do.

In fact, if you are single and any married person tells you that it's all just a trite and tacky love letter to The Man', asked them if they'd care to spend the day walking past a sea of helium balloons and gigantic bears clasping hearts, watch as massive bouquets are delivered to the office babe, then return home to weep tears of abject despair when the only surprise their welcome mat holds is a dead earwig. Okay, it's not that bad. Sometimes, the earwig has just lost a leg.

However, appalling though couple' day is for the single-against-their-will, there are a few things you can do to make your day slightly less horrendous.

Firstly, you need to go out and get outrageously leathered on the evening of Feb 13.

There is an incredibly large chance you will cop off as hundreds of other singles do precisely the same thing and, although you might not meet someone you'd like to spend an escalator trip with, let alone the rest of your life, you can at least smile mysteriously the next day when anyone asks you Who's Your Valentine?' (They don't need to know you're looking enigmatic because you forgot to ask his name).

But, more importantly, with enough tequila down your gullet to kill a small gnu, you'd be hard pushed to remember which way your pants go on by Feb 14, let alone what day it is.

Plus, you can spend the day with your head on your desk, thus avoiding having to coo through gritted teeth as Glenda from reception tells everyone how Trevor is taking her up the ship canal in a Gondola.

In fact, you'll be feeling so awful you wouldn't go for a romantic meal at gunpoint and the usual sad Valentine's night in (a mountain of oven chips and Just Good Friends re-runs), becomes your dream evening.

But singles: beware of being too vocally cynical about Valentine's Day. Anyone burning an effigy of cupid in the office canteen might find themselves a little embarrassed when, having met their twin soul, they roll up on Feb 14, 2008, clutching a six foot padded card and sporting a chocolate thong and a half-coin necklace (Love isn't blind, it just has terrible taste.) And, if you are in a couple, please keep it understated. Not too understated: no woman's heart was ever set aflutter by a cheese and onion pasty, even if you did first clap eyes on each other in Ye Olde Pastie Shoppe.

But please, for the single and the weak of stomach, leave your Karma Sutra Board game at home.