SO what should you do if you discover your wife (or husband) has been having an affair? Catherine Ivatts, from Bolton Relate, offers some advice.

"Affairs are usually pretty devastating for both men and women," she says. "There is a breakdown in trust and feelings of betrayal or humiliation.

"It may be that women are better placed to manage these responses and find people to talk to about what is happening, while men, less well placed to talk about it, may manage their feelings in a way which is destructive rather than constructive - for example by overdrinking, threatening suicide or taking sick leave."

However, Catherine believes it is "absolutely" possible for a couple to get over an affair, if they deal with it in the right way.

She says: "Affairs are often symptoms of unspoken, or unrecognised, problems.

"When the affair becomes known it blows a hole in the relationship. How the hole is dealt with depends on the reasons for the affair and how the people react to it."

Catherine says that affairs fall into four categories - the "door opener", where an affair is used as a way out of a relationship, the "notice me affair", where the partner feels neglected, the "three legged stool", generally a long-term affair which keeps the marriage in place as it helps avoid addressing key problems, and the "revenge affair", where a person consciously or unconsciously aims to get back at a partner who had an affair first.

Catherine says: "If a couple are open to the opportunity to use the crisis of the revealed affair to reopen and reconsider their relationship and whether they are still committed to each other then the relationship can recover with time, understanding, and - where necessary - additional professional help.

"It can be the chance to relay the foundations for a stronger, improved relationship."

Catherine says that there are certain steps that can be taken to help a relationship recover from an affair.

"If a person is having an affair but wants to come clean to their partner they should take charge," she says. "Find a time and a place to be the one to break the news - don't wait till someone else does the damage as this adds to the partner's humiliation.

"The person having the affair knows what is happening, but it usually comes as a huge shock to the other partner. Their world is turned upside down - even if they half knew' - and this takes time to recover from.

"Try to identify when you both began to feel that things started going wrong and think about what else might have been happening in your lives. There are often tremendous pressures from the arrival of a baby, difficult adolescents, changes at work or money problems.

"Affairs break the trust of partners and this will take quite a long time to rebuild: try to identify a realistic time as to how long this is likely to take, and remember that families and friends are also affected by affairs and will need time to come to terms.

"Rebuilding will require lots of conversations. The person who has not had the affair will want to ask lots of questions - this is best done if possible when you are not both exhausted, and is better kept to bite-size times rather than long into the night.

"Both people may experience high anxiety states in a time of breakdown of trust. If you are rebuilding, try to let each know the other's movements - when you will be home, when you will be in contact, when is a good time for conversations.

"If there are no signs of recovery, consider a consultation with a Relate counsellor - it is never too late to gain help if you are both certain this relationship is the important one."

However, Catherine says it is also possible to minimise the risk of your partner straying before it is too late, although in her words it is "easy to say - hard to do".

"Try to create regular periods of time for you as a couple in which you review how things are going for you both," she says. "And don't imagine that everyone else is having the best time ever, the best sex ever and that everybody else's body is as beautiful as the films suggest.

"Remember to express appreciation at every opportunity: often we miss the good things by focusing on the negative.

"Most people function at their best when they are treated respectfully and as adults - so avoid blaming and point scoring.

"And if you hit a bad patch, seek help from Relate before it is too late. If your partner suggests you should go then don't wait until 10 years later - your partner is probably thinking about leaving!"

  • Contact Relate Greater Manchester at www.relate-gmn.co.uk or by ringing 0161 764 4299.