THE news that I intend to launch a political party to contest the forthcoming General Election was greeted with unrestrained hilarity everywhere, it seems, except Number 11, Downing Street.

Its present incumbent, Gordon Brown, aka The Smiling Assassin, appears to have executed a late but pretty dramatic overhaul of his Budget in the face of what he and Mr Blair must consider a serious threat to their hopes of continuing in power. Most members of my party, still without a name by the way, and the millions who vote for us, will either be senior citizens, or old enough to remember when it was possible to call a service industry, bank, insurance company, whatever, without having to speak to Metal Mickey, press buttons and listen to taped music until you (a) collapse through exhaustion, frustration or both; (b) gnaw through the phone wire or (c) throw the phone through the nearest window.

Messrs. Blair and Brown have assumed, rightly, that my electoral candidates and I will promise to make the lives of OAPs much more agreeable. Gordon's free transport, 200 quid off council tax and the same at Christmas, while a start, is nowhere near enough.

In fact, we laughed like drains in our house as we prepared our manifesto. I've already said that pensioners who wish to carry on working past 65, or do so from necessity, such as a desire to eat solids, will not be expected to pay income tax. They will also receive whatever free treatment and advice they need or fancy from opticians, dentists, chiropodists, fitness trainers, dieticians, beauticians, hair stylists, tennis coaches, and yoga instructors.

The best possible medical treatment, available only to the filthy rich, royalty and political leaders, will be theirs by right. Free travel will be extended to anywhere in the UK, and come with the services of a former member of the SAS or Royal Marine Commando, in case the journey is interrupted by one or more of the Neanderthals spoiling this once green and pleasant land.

Furthermore, if they so desire, OAPs worried about personal safety can take up residence in any of the fortress-like rest homes we will build in beauty spots across the UK, supervised and guarded 24/7 by said SAS and Royal Marine Commandos against aforementioned Neanderthals.

Regular free holidays to Blackpool, my favourite seaside venue in the whole, wide world, comes as a bonus.

We will take over the entire resort so not to bump into any Neanderthals, which, I am told, even turn up in Blackpool. You can see we are getting along famously with our manifesto, though one of the more reactionary suggestions, from a tobacco addict, may not go down too well with non-smokers. She suggests smokers live in one half of the UK; non-smokers in the other.

The smokers, who have again been whacked by Mr Brown, would pay no income tax as they are already underwriting the cost of most of central government's spending. The non-smoking half might be healthier but would be driven to drink by tax demands on their income. Still, we can't please everyone.