SCHOOLBOY howlers feature in the programme for Second From Last In The Sack Race -- the entertaining play currently being performed at Bolton's Octagon Theatre.

These caught my eye particularly:

"Newspapers are useful for reporting calamities such as deaths, marriages etc."

"Christians are only allowed one wife. This is called monotony."

The play, adapted by Michael Birch from the funny novel by David Nobbs, covers the schooldays endured by the fictional Henry Pratt in the 1940s and 1950s before he went on to become a journalist on a local newspaper.

My own undistinguished childhood, which led to a similar grisly fate, included the time when a somewhat sadistic teacher --tears of laughter running down his face -- felt compelled to inform the rest of the class about my error in an English exercise.

This involved finding the right word to replace one which was wrong.

In this instance the sentence was something like: "The rider on the winding mountain road stopped suddenly when he was confronted with a great, yawning abscess."

Most of my fellow pupils, it seems, knew that the more appropriate word was "abyss."

Unfortunately, the surreal image of a great, yawning abbess tickled the teacher so much that my subsequent humiliation lasted weeks.

Just like Henry, I had to escape from the real world for a while and devour a few Biggles books until the hurt went away.

Talking of education, I was intrigued to read recently that last year nearly 2,000 trainee teachers failed at least one of the compulsory tests introduced in 1999 to assess competence in basic literacy, numeracy and information and communication technology.

The government is keen to weed out people who have managed to achieve degrees without mastering skills which they will need in the classroom.

Quite how they do that is something of a mystery to me and others, including Phil Willis, the Liberal Democrats' education spokesman.

He says the failure rate raises worrying questions about the would-be teachers' own schooling, since all teachers need GCSE maths and English.

Mr Willis was quoted in my Sunday newspaper as follows:

"It seems simply training people to pass tests, which is what our education system is now all about, does not actually educate people.

"They can get the marks in their GCSEs, but they are not able to use the English language."

In my humble opinion, part of the problem is that many intelligent young people simply do not read enough books and newspapers these days.

I will always be grateful for the fact that my parents did not introduce a television to the house until I was 13.

At that point the reading just stopped for a few years, but at least there was something there to build on later.

My teacher, at least, knew the difference between an abyss and an abbess, although I suppose both involve a considerable leap of faith.

PS: TWO birds sit on the branch of a tree watching a tortoise on the forest floor.

Suddenly, it starts a long and laboured climb to the highest branch of the tree where it pauses before diving off, bouncing as it lands.

After watching this performance six times, one bird says to the other: "Do you think we should tell him he's adopted?"

Well, I think it's funny.