FOR people brought up on pie and peas in front of the television, the laws of etiquette are as unfathomable as cricket is to the average Yank.

Unlike cricket though, the dos and don'ts of the dinner table are largely without point and are, I believe, purely an invention to make the less well-to-do feel uncomfortable in affluent surroundings. Indeed, possibly to put them off visiting such places altogether.

I'm not in any way advocating a culture in which we lick our plates in front of each other, lift our soup bowls to our mouths and slurp directly from them or ask for our salads deep fried.

Also, should you ever find yourself in a place offering nouvelle cuisine, do not ask where the vegetables are or request a slice of white to mop up the sauce with. Damanding ketchup doesn't go down well either.

And there's no need to use the table cloth to wipe your plate clean. All fair enough so far, but there is another, somewhat ridiculous line, that cannot be crossed and it is a very thin one indeed.

Take, for instance, the rule that almost everyone knows: never tip your soup bowl towards you, always away. Why?

Then you must not commit the unforgivable culinary-related sin of asking for a serviette, when it is clearly a napkin you require (are they not the same thing?) - and careful how you fold it. Talking of sins, do not covet your dining partner's dish - tasting bits of each other's meals does not a classy stance make.

Equally so, when offered the wine to taste before ploughing on with the demolition of the contents of the bottle, don't gulp it down in one. Instead, pick up the glass in between upturned fingers, swirl the Blue Nun about a bit, take a sip, pretend to be considering the taste and swallow quietly, before nodding: "Hmm, a lovely fruity bounce off the roof of the mouth."

Remember, when returning your glass to the table, it's liquids on your right, solids on your left.

Cutting your bread roll with a knife is not de rigeur either - always rip it with your hands. Exactly what purpose does this - and many other seemingly pointless customs - serve, other than to make you feel stupid, nervy and out-of-place?

These are "rules" thought up by people who do not want you muscling in on their territory, affording the same standard of food or surroundings as them, knowing what they actually get for their money. And take it from me, it's not very much.

I'm not sure it's actually the restaurants that care - indeed, many of the more upmarket eateries these days (I've seen pictures of them) sport quite relaxed decor and allow their patrons to dine in "smart casual", which is often interpreted as jeans and a nice shirt - more the people that formally had exclusive use of them.

That's why it is often those people you see wearing ripped jeans and slumming it in the places that used to be exclusively used by the working classes.

It's all a case of wanting to know how the other half live and, believe you me, the other half will look just as bad asking for a sachet of herb flavoured sabayon with their chips, as you will requesting your foie gras terrine and parfait with home smoked duck or Carpaccio and tartare of beef fillet with a horseradish bavarois to be deep fried the next time you find yourself eating in some pretentious joint called Percy's On the Bandstand or something.

How about, as long as you've paid for the stuff - whatever that may be - you should be treated as a responsible adult and be trusted to conduct yourself in a reasonable manner?