IT'S been another week when football has been in the headlines for the wrong reasons.

The Premier League turns its back for a moment and all hell breaks loose with stories of an investigation into funding at the Professional Footballers' Association, Championship clubs thinking about breaking away to form another league, and the FA reducing the number of foreigners clubs can have in their squads.

There is nothing new with tales emanating from our national game which instantly cause eyes to roll.

But why should it be this way?

Well, for one thing, the British public love a good moan. They also love football so when you put the two together it guarantees widespread interest.

Some dastardly subjects which have got the nation's collective back up have hung over the game for even longer than Liverpool have gone without winning a league title.

Crazy transfer fees, sky-high wages, empty seats, agents getting rich for doing nothing, and players diving, pulling shirts at corners and placing the ball seemingly outside the quadrant at corners have all had tap rooms in pubs around the nation humming with disapproving tones.

But what else can we have a good old groan about?

We all have our own pet hates about football, and so we should the amount of time and money we invest in watching it, and here are a few of mine.

"If he was Brazilian" is a phrase guaranteed to get heads nodding in agreement.

It suggests a player from Brazil is more likely to have commentators and fans fawning over any old piece of skill just because of the country he comes from.

But it simply isn't true as on close inspection there are a multitude of instances when Brazilian players have produced eye-catching moments in the Premier League which have gone uncommented upon.

"Real football", and its sister slogan "real fans", are annoyingly used by supporters of clubs lower down the league structure and has become virtually a motto in non-league.

When translated it really means not very good football in not very good grounds but fans manage to put up with it and, surprisingly, have quite a good time.

It is inverted snobbery of the highest order aimed at trying get one over on the Premier League and those who watch it.

It's not only in non-league where they try to create a mythical identity.

Everton's slogan "The People's Club" is an attempt to make their fans feel closer to them.

It would be interesting to hear who Everton think go to watch other teams if it's not people. Aliens maybe? Robots? Oh no, it's actually people. But if it makes Everton and their fans feel better who's to judge?

Same goes for Manchester United being a "Theatre of Dreams", unless it's referring to the opposition.

No point asking footballers that question, mind, because they'll have their hand over their mouth so you won't know what they're saying.

"The football club" is a phrase which for some reason has taken over from the previously more than adequate "the club" by football managers in interviews.

Maybe it is just in case anyone thought they were talking about the local workingmen's club.

And managers also have an irritating habit of thinking playing Thursday/Sunday is tougher than playing Wednesday/Saturday.

Why do referees have to take a ball off a plinth when they take the field? Does every dressing room in the country have "a good set of lads"? Does every decent young player have to be "the new" former great player? Is "gaffer" used in any other business environment? ("Charles, I want you to buy a million stocks in South African copper extract," "Aye, all right gaffer").

While I'm on outdated words it's time to ditch "dugout" and "bench" as the area managers now sit is not dug out and the seating provided for substitutes is not a bench. And while I'm in the vicinity there is nothing technical about "technical" areas so they would be more suitably renamed "tactical" areas.

Forced atmospheres in grounds should be outlawed. No employees waving oversized flags on the touchline, no music when a goal is scored and no massive banners being passed overhead across the stand back into the hands of another set of club employees to be rolled up and put away until the next match.

Unimaginative, shared and stolen chants are a crime against fandom. If you can't sing something interesting don't sing anything at all.

Football is about the individualism of your club. The moment you pick a team – or rather a team picks you – it's because it has struck you as special in a way no other could ever hope to match from that moment on for the rest of your life.

And that's why my three pettist of pet hates are half-and-half scarves, having a second team and, worst of all, changing the team you support.