You've got (junk) e-mail

I spotted an advert on TV recently that cleared up a mystery for me. In it a woman finds in her mail a golden envelope which, judging by the look of joy suffusing her face, informs her she's won a holiday in Fiji, £1 million, or a lifetime's supply of rain hoods.

Still in her slippers, she hot foots it out into the street to join in a celebratory dance along with the countless other neighbours who have also "won" a spectacular prize, while a droll voice warns: "If if looks too good to be true, it probably is."

I always wondered why companies send out so much pointless junk mail. Now I know. If someone has found it necessary to create an advert warning us that the £100,000 cheque that arrived this morning might not mean we can rush out and buy a Bentley just yet, then there must be a slew of gullible fools out there keeping this rubbish in business. I know who to blame next time I get a "Cash If You Die, Cash If You Don't" mailer through the letterbox.

Time was when they could only get to you through the letterbox or the phone. Now, with the advent of e-mail, the floodgates have well and truly opened, as anyone with an Internet-based e-mail address will be aware.

Last time I checked I had two messages from people I knew and 36 junk e-mails. Mostly I just delete them without a second glance, but when you stop to look they are actually quite bizarre.

This week, for instance, Pitney Bowes urges me: "Don't overpay for postage" (Why Pitney, how kind of you to care!), dave@excite asks me: "What's up" (what's it to you, Dave?), and the SL Commission ask me if I want to join a Sex Lotto (I don't know what one is, but I reckon the Thunderball could be worth a punt). Lups80@post.com wants to give me "advise" and I'm faintly relieved to find that gerbil66 doesn't tell me what he wants me for.

You'd hardly think that the success rate with such offers would be high, but if this TV advert tells us anything, it is that for every cynic deleting an offer of an instant aphrodisiac, there's another lining up to join the Sex Lottery.

Ah well, I won't have to worry about such things for much longer. Didn't I tell you? I got a letter yesterday telling me I've won -- £100,000. Funny thing is, I don't even remember entering the competition! But there you go! I'm rich, I'm rich! I'm filthy rich! Now excuse me, I just need to dance round the block in my slippers.

Most junk e-mails, or Spam as they are colloquially called, are either downright filthy, downright sneaky or both. I dared to click on one from alphu@linkmail saying "I've changed my number" and found myself being urged to consider a penis enlargement (I thought about it, but frankly I was too busy applying to get out of debt quick, running a background check on myself and purchasing a diploma for 10 dollars to bother.)