FOR one week only this column is not entirely eponymous.

Alan Calvert is at home -- having a leisurely breakfast, reading the paper, listening to the radio and maybe contemplating a short walk in the sunshine.

He has sent me to the Bolton Evening News office in his place and I have to say that I am beginning to have doubts about this cloning malarky. It is all right for him, of course, but is it fair on me?

From what he tells me, it all started when he was sitting on one of those strange, cold slabs in Victoria Square recently.

He became aware of a large, green chap with an antenna sticking out of his head who was saying to a companion: "These are just like the ones we have back home."

It turned out that they were from a planet trillions of miles away and had been sent to find out whether earth was really as miserable as it seemed in EastEnders.

Anyway, they used fiendish mind games to persuade Calvert that he should found a new cult for worn-out workers -- WOW!

It was then easy to convince him that he should spend some time on their space ship -- hovering at a great height over Queen's Park -- while he worked on the finer details of his pre-retirement strategy. With their help, he produced a clone of himself -- me -- and had us both returned to Moor Lane bus station in time for the 507.

Once home, he installed me in the garage and outlined his plans.

Basically, he wants me to represent him in the office and on various assignments in the Bolton community while he counts down to retirement in his armchair.

As I understand it, I do the work and he gets the salary.

This is such exciting, out of the box thinking that the government -- keen to encourage everybody to work to 85 or whatever it is -- has embraced WOW! as a pilot scheme and is considering rolling it out nationwide.

Ministers are excited by the prospect of having a committed, cloned senior workforce which will contribute to the country's wealth and productivity.

I believe it is known as a win-win situation.

Well, this is what Calvert told me through the window as he had me doing a spot of winter gardening in the cold and rain.

You now find me sitting at his computer as I attempt to write 500 words or so for this week's column.

He was on the telephone a few minutes ago, sounding very jolly and reading me jokes from Christmas crackers.

Enough! Clones have feelings too and it seems to me that there is something very wrong about creating new lives in this way. Who knows how we will turn out in the years to come?

The science is not yet fully developed and further experiments should be halted until it becomes possible for clones to choose the human they would like to replicate.

In the meantime, I know what it is like to be Alan Calvert. I quit.