FORGET "If you really loved me you'd wash up/lose the perm/burn your life-sized cardboard cut out of Glen Mederos" at Christmas. The only way to prove your complete and utter devotion is to choose the perfect gift for your loved one.

There are several stages to this process, depending on how old your relationship is.

If you are about three months in, you should be panicking about how much to spend: Sussing out how much your new girl or boyfriend is likely to shell out on you is crucial if your relationship is to make it past the Queen's speech.

Estimate too low and you'll be feeling pretty rueful about that tube of Dolly Mixtures when you are unwrapping a Polaroid camera. Get too carried away and she could feel a smidge overwhelmed when she hands you a glittery Christmas card and you hand over the keys to your flat. Especially if you only met at the bus stop three weeks ago.

It's a risky business. But if you think it gets any easier as the years go on you are sadly mistaken.

Couples who have been seeing each other in the region of a year are under the most pressure to perform, given that they have intimate knowledge of said recipient and that, over the last 12 months, they'll have been receiving constant hints. Unfortunately most of us don't listen to these clues and that's how we find ourselves in Argos wondering how they'd feel about a Remington fuzzaway.

Then, about three years in, there are the cohabiting couples who have spent all their money on an adjustable wallpaper table and so say: "This year we'll just give token gifts."

Now listen up, men. As you seem unable to understanding the complex workings of the female mind, I feel it is only fair to warn you that your partne has no intention of carrying out this pact. In fact she has bought you a Cartier watch as a surprise. Worse, she's expecting a pair of diamond earrings and a holiday to Fuengirola in return. Be warned that a bottle of bubble bath in the shape of an otter is unlikely to cut it.

Then there are the married couples who buy gifts which, whether they know it or not, are actually for themselves. If you have bought a TV, a DVD or a mini-break for two then you are guilty as charged. If you have stood in a shop and thought: "I bet he'd really get into that boxed set of Dawson's Creek videos if he tried" then you are beyond help and should look forward to a nice cold shoulder come Christmas morning.

Still, 'tis the season of goodwill, so we must try to remember that it is the thought, and not the gift, that counts. Try to convince your girlfriend that you were thinking fondly of her when you plumped for a balaclava and matching fingerless gloves.

And if that doesn't work, well, you'll have to blame it on Santa. But don't blame me when you find yourself eating a turkey dinner for one.