ONE of the downsides to travelling away from the UK is being reminded how hideously uneducated you actually are.
Before I set off for Austria, I was convinced my German skills were good enough to get by.
I’d done the language at school – which in my own mind wasn’t that long ago – but in reality, it has been 21 years since I sat down in Herr Bates’s classroom at Walkden High and reminded everyone I was funfzehn jahre alt.
My vocabulary is now restricted to please, thank you and ‘entschuldigen,’ which I dearly hope means ‘excuse me‘ because it’s all I seem to say as I’m dodging through the hoards of cyclists in Graz.
Until yesterday I had been consistently bailed out by people realising my English awkwardness and slipping effortlessly into a different language. It always astounds me how easily they do it.
That was until I got cocky and tried to do some shopping at a supermarket called Billa.
I had three items: A cheese sandwich, a bottle of Happy Day – my Austrian beverage of choice these days – and a bag of crisps that turned out to be peanut-flavoured Wotsits.
Queuing is exactly the same, no danger there, but when I got to the elderly cashier she looked up and barked something at me that sounded something like that long train station in Wales.
Instant Hugh Grant mode: “I’m sorry, erm, I don’t understand, I’m English.“
This seemed to annoy her.
I looked around for some help but those lovely Austrian people who have jumped to my aid consistently since I have been here were nowhere to be seen.
The lady, who I realised looked the spitting image of Lizzie from Prisoner Cell Block H, stood up and pointed, issuing her command again. She was getting quite irate.
I thought about running, but then how embarrassing it would be if she caught me.
Finally a big, rotund fella turned up to break the silence, booming in a happy German voice: “She is only asking you if you would like to purchase a carrier bag?"
An international incident had been avoided. I paid for my things and vowed never to return. But I fear I will see her again in my nightmares.
I can’t believe that today I’m back on match reporting duties with Wanderers, where did that summer go? It only seems five minutes since I closed my laptop after the Birmingham game.
I just hope that my lack of practice during the summer doesn’t render me completely useless when the Whites kick-off against Sturm Graz.
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